I appreciate the fact that you are trying to resolve this dilemma in your family, even though you are not living there. It's people like you who make a difference to extended families... the norm is to leave the family in distress and to thank Allah for not giving YOU the test! May Allah reward you for your endeavours, Ameen.
From an outsider’s point of view, I can see how hard this is for everyone. Of course you all want your mother to be happy and looked after in her old age, yet it is important for the young family to also have a life of their own, esp. since they are doing the tough task of living with their mother/mother in law.
They key is to find a compromise where all parties are happy, and out of the ‘danger zone’ this means they are not so depressed, suicidal, angry, bitter, etc. A working compromise. It may not be the ideal circumstance, but it’s ‘liveable’. This is step one. The ultimate goal is everyone being content and happy. God willing, this is achievable with a bit of hard work.
Now, I don't know what kind of situation you have in your relative's home, so I will need some answers from you, for example, who is doing what, how long they have been married, etc. But the fact that the DIL is 'disobedient' or rebellious towards her husband may mean she doesn’t know how to communicate. And unfortunately we lack these role models in our lives and it becomes harder for us to behave in the most effective way, esp. when under stress. Unfortunately, until she learns to speak her husband’s language, she won't be able to get through to him, and won't get his support.... but that doesn’t mean he shouldn’t support her... he needs to do this for the sake of Allah, knowing that he is being loving and considerate to his wife, and this is good for his marriage and half of his deen, and is also a waslia for his mother to be looked after in her old age. Double rewards. And if either party changes... the other party will change automatically. Alhamdolillah.
I do think the wife will benefit from her separate housing/living space. This is their God given right, and it should be taken lightly. She needs her own kitchen, her own living room, her own bathroom and bedroom (obviously). Here is a critical point: You will only be able to get the wife to meet her MILs needs once you meet the wife’s needs. Once her needs are met she will be able to do things happily.
I hope this helped,
Renee.
Should We Move Closer?
I hope you don't mind me asking you about my personal situation.
My parents have suggested that they wish to move to the same city as us. The issue arises in regards to the children and the influence of the grandparents. They are not practicing their Islam currently and at times have a negative attitude towards Islam. They also tend to favour one of the children and give most their attention to that child. With this combination of matters and their desire to be in the same city we are in a little dilemma of what to do for the best. Yes the love and company of ones parents is important but on the other hand the potential detriment to the kids could have long term consequences.
What is your advice for this current situation?
Reply:
Alhamdolillah I'm so glad you took the initiate to reach out for help.
My advice would be for you to make sure you work on your relationship with them.... and here is how:
>>>Be strong in your marital union:
Remember, you don't have to be obedient to their every wish, and you have just as much right to pursue your own interests. Your family shouldn't suffer as a result of their behaviour, but quite often its our attitude we have that shapes the relationship dynamics we create.
>>>Make things easier for them:
Perhaps you could move a bit closer? I understand that don't want their negative influence, so it’s best to keep your distance, but at the same time they do want to be a part of your lives. Phone them up regularly, and get your wife to read the Daughter in Law Rules, by Sally Shields. Remember their special days: if they have an appointment, if someone in their extended family is getting married, if someone has died... keep a track of their mood and ask them how they are doing, ask them how their health is, etc. Tell them you miss them.... you can do a lot with your approach to be sweet devoted children (but at the same time, not obeying their every wish). If they say something you don't agree with, just say ‘hmm... okay...’ and carry on living your own life.
>>> Have some compassion for their way:
They are not doing anything intended to hurt you, they are just being themselves... and that's no crime.... :) They probably favour one child because he is a boy and culturally influenced eastern people are like that. But you can't blame them for having a favourite. It’s a choice they made, and you guys may have to respect that. (it may not be the right choice in your eyes, but we can't judge other peoples actions, that’s for Allah alone.) They are pushy and demanding because they love you. Not because they hate you. But they are doing things unislamically because that is the choice they made, and not because they hate you....so basically: they are not doing anything to hurt you, its all being done out of a love and the best way they know how to.
>>> Limit your meetings with them:
with three factors in mind: Frequency, Distance and Time. The further away you live (distance), the less you visit them (frequency), and the time spent there will need to be longer. The more often you visit (frequency) the less time you can stay, but you may have to move closer (distance).
>>> work out a healthy visiting limit
so either party doesn’t enter the danger zone... so that means you dont expose yourself to them so much that you end up being damaged, and that you don't withdraw from them so much that they become damaged. (Dealing with relatives even if you can't stand them, Kirschner & Brinkman)
>>> work out alternative ways of communicating with them:
if you don't like to visit them, then phone them, send letters/cards/emails... arrange Skype video chats so they don't fall into the danger zone. Phone them regularly for short bursts, and when it gets too much say ‘oh I have to go and do something REALLY important’ (getting away from them IS really important at that time!!! :)
As you can see, it’s all about changing your attitude. It’s time to stop asking ‘why, why, why are they doing all of this... they should know better’, etc. and start to understand why they are doing it (out of love and out of their own understanding). It’s time to start being proactive and coming to solutions where both parties are happy: win-win solutions. (you may not be able to make them happy all of the time, but if you do positive things from your end, then they will start to feel a bit more loved, and therefore a bit more happy) And once everyone is winning, they will change their attitudes and become happier and understanding people. All three of these are habits of highly effective people! (The seven habits of highly effective people, Covey).
I hope this was helpful,
Renee
My parents have suggested that they wish to move to the same city as us. The issue arises in regards to the children and the influence of the grandparents. They are not practicing their Islam currently and at times have a negative attitude towards Islam. They also tend to favour one of the children and give most their attention to that child. With this combination of matters and their desire to be in the same city we are in a little dilemma of what to do for the best. Yes the love and company of ones parents is important but on the other hand the potential detriment to the kids could have long term consequences.
What is your advice for this current situation?
Reply:
Alhamdolillah I'm so glad you took the initiate to reach out for help.
My advice would be for you to make sure you work on your relationship with them.... and here is how:
>>>Be strong in your marital union:
Remember, you don't have to be obedient to their every wish, and you have just as much right to pursue your own interests. Your family shouldn't suffer as a result of their behaviour, but quite often its our attitude we have that shapes the relationship dynamics we create.
>>>Make things easier for them:
Perhaps you could move a bit closer? I understand that don't want their negative influence, so it’s best to keep your distance, but at the same time they do want to be a part of your lives. Phone them up regularly, and get your wife to read the Daughter in Law Rules, by Sally Shields. Remember their special days: if they have an appointment, if someone in their extended family is getting married, if someone has died... keep a track of their mood and ask them how they are doing, ask them how their health is, etc. Tell them you miss them.... you can do a lot with your approach to be sweet devoted children (but at the same time, not obeying their every wish). If they say something you don't agree with, just say ‘hmm... okay...’ and carry on living your own life.
>>> Have some compassion for their way:
They are not doing anything intended to hurt you, they are just being themselves... and that's no crime.... :) They probably favour one child because he is a boy and culturally influenced eastern people are like that. But you can't blame them for having a favourite. It’s a choice they made, and you guys may have to respect that. (it may not be the right choice in your eyes, but we can't judge other peoples actions, that’s for Allah alone.) They are pushy and demanding because they love you. Not because they hate you. But they are doing things unislamically because that is the choice they made, and not because they hate you....so basically: they are not doing anything to hurt you, its all being done out of a love and the best way they know how to.
>>> Limit your meetings with them:
with three factors in mind: Frequency, Distance and Time. The further away you live (distance), the less you visit them (frequency), and the time spent there will need to be longer. The more often you visit (frequency) the less time you can stay, but you may have to move closer (distance).
>>> work out a healthy visiting limit
so either party doesn’t enter the danger zone... so that means you dont expose yourself to them so much that you end up being damaged, and that you don't withdraw from them so much that they become damaged. (Dealing with relatives even if you can't stand them, Kirschner & Brinkman)
>>> work out alternative ways of communicating with them:
if you don't like to visit them, then phone them, send letters/cards/emails... arrange Skype video chats so they don't fall into the danger zone. Phone them regularly for short bursts, and when it gets too much say ‘oh I have to go and do something REALLY important’ (getting away from them IS really important at that time!!! :)
As you can see, it’s all about changing your attitude. It’s time to stop asking ‘why, why, why are they doing all of this... they should know better’, etc. and start to understand why they are doing it (out of love and out of their own understanding). It’s time to start being proactive and coming to solutions where both parties are happy: win-win solutions. (you may not be able to make them happy all of the time, but if you do positive things from your end, then they will start to feel a bit more loved, and therefore a bit more happy) And once everyone is winning, they will change their attitudes and become happier and understanding people. All three of these are habits of highly effective people! (The seven habits of highly effective people, Covey).
I hope this was helpful,
Renee
The Invisible Woman
It's okay that they don't see,
it's okay that they don't notice.
God sees us.
God notices us.
Allah!
'In Law Sickness'
‘In Law Sickness’ is something a lady described in Terri Apter’s fantastic new book, ‘What Do You Want From Me?’
I think this is perfectly dubbed: In Law Sickness - many DILS know the feeling. Feeling sick to the stomach at the sudden change in personality we see in our MILs – one minute they are on your side and supportive of what you are doing, and a split second later, they think you are scum of the earth... (or, as the lady describes in Terri’s book: a ‘soul destroying b**ch’) It’s a sickening feeling, which brings on dread, hatred and discord.
The best thing possible would be for you to come to terms with the fact that your MIL WILL do a Jekyll and Hyde on you once her back has gotten up. It may happen because you did not do something in a way her family doesn’t traditionally do, it may be because you make her question her beliefs, it may be because she realises that her son loves you a lot, it maybe because she has realised she has gotten a DIL a bit wiser than she bargained for... or it may be because you did nothing at all!
Well, she could be having a really bad day, she could have had a fight with your FIL, she could be wishing her life was a fulfilling as yours – but the fact is, she WILL so a Jekyll and Hyde on you at the drop of hat, so be prepared for it. Realise that something is out of balance with her, and remember: you are not a bad person, just because she makes you out to be one.
Take care, precious – take some emotional anti-sickness remedies: give yourself some TLC, focus on yourself, your husband and your kids, offer some prayers and meditation, listen to something that will soothe you. You are not on the same side, your loyalties are not the same, you are not the best of friends living under the same roof, and it may be time for you to face up to that.
Be the smart DIL who lets others know how she is feeling; one who acknowledges her limitations and is not afraid to admit them, the one who can say her peice and take the world in her stride, and turn your attention away from your pain body/ego and back to the Lord, Most High.
I think this is perfectly dubbed: In Law Sickness - many DILS know the feeling. Feeling sick to the stomach at the sudden change in personality we see in our MILs – one minute they are on your side and supportive of what you are doing, and a split second later, they think you are scum of the earth... (or, as the lady describes in Terri’s book: a ‘soul destroying b**ch’) It’s a sickening feeling, which brings on dread, hatred and discord.
The best thing possible would be for you to come to terms with the fact that your MIL WILL do a Jekyll and Hyde on you once her back has gotten up. It may happen because you did not do something in a way her family doesn’t traditionally do, it may be because you make her question her beliefs, it may be because she realises that her son loves you a lot, it maybe because she has realised she has gotten a DIL a bit wiser than she bargained for... or it may be because you did nothing at all!
Well, she could be having a really bad day, she could have had a fight with your FIL, she could be wishing her life was a fulfilling as yours – but the fact is, she WILL so a Jekyll and Hyde on you at the drop of hat, so be prepared for it. Realise that something is out of balance with her, and remember: you are not a bad person, just because she makes you out to be one.
Take care, precious – take some emotional anti-sickness remedies: give yourself some TLC, focus on yourself, your husband and your kids, offer some prayers and meditation, listen to something that will soothe you. You are not on the same side, your loyalties are not the same, you are not the best of friends living under the same roof, and it may be time for you to face up to that.
Be the smart DIL who lets others know how she is feeling; one who acknowledges her limitations and is not afraid to admit them, the one who can say her peice and take the world in her stride, and turn your attention away from your pain body/ego and back to the Lord, Most High.
So, verily, with every hardship there is ease,
Verily, with every hardship there is ease.
Therefore, when you are free, still toil on,
And to your Lord turn all your attention.
You only have one intimate partner
You know the saying, when you get married, you don't just marry the guy, but his whole family too! Well, to a certain degree that is true, but when you're living with your in-laws, you need to take this quote with a pinch of salt.
The truth is, you have married into his family; but that doesn't mean that your MIL is now your lifelong partner. You have one intimate partner - your dh. He is the one you share your life with.
Try to see your in-laws as another family that you live with. Two families living together under one roof. You show common courtesy and get along amicably, you also respect them as they are older than you. But after that, you're pretty much free to do what you want. It's your life, so live it the way you want to.
Always try to take responsibility for your own duties - if you are in charge of the cooking or the shopping, make sure you keep your end of the bargain. As long as you have done your required duties, go and have some fun! Lie down, take a nap, phone a friend - and if your MIL doesn't like that, don't let it bother you.
A lot of DILs feel obliged to have breakfast, lunch and dinner with their in-laws - even when their dh is at work. If you actually enjoy spending all your time with then, then that's great, and theirs no reason to change. However, if you resent not being able to live your own life, start to do things differently.
Perhaps you could have breakfast early - or say your not hungry and have it a little later? Perhaps you start taking your lunch to your room and say that you are going to have it upstairs.
If your in-laws disapprove of you not doing everything with them - try to put your life into perspective... is this really what you want to do? Are you being true to who you really are? If you are not, I encourage you to start doing things a little differently. One step at a time, it will make the world of a difference.
I speak from experience.
The truth is, you have married into his family; but that doesn't mean that your MIL is now your lifelong partner. You have one intimate partner - your dh. He is the one you share your life with.
Try to see your in-laws as another family that you live with. Two families living together under one roof. You show common courtesy and get along amicably, you also respect them as they are older than you. But after that, you're pretty much free to do what you want. It's your life, so live it the way you want to.
Always try to take responsibility for your own duties - if you are in charge of the cooking or the shopping, make sure you keep your end of the bargain. As long as you have done your required duties, go and have some fun! Lie down, take a nap, phone a friend - and if your MIL doesn't like that, don't let it bother you.
A lot of DILs feel obliged to have breakfast, lunch and dinner with their in-laws - even when their dh is at work. If you actually enjoy spending all your time with then, then that's great, and theirs no reason to change. However, if you resent not being able to live your own life, start to do things differently.
Perhaps you could have breakfast early - or say your not hungry and have it a little later? Perhaps you start taking your lunch to your room and say that you are going to have it upstairs.
If your in-laws disapprove of you not doing everything with them - try to put your life into perspective... is this really what you want to do? Are you being true to who you really are? If you are not, I encourage you to start doing things a little differently. One step at a time, it will make the world of a difference.
I speak from experience.
Rule #58 - How to show that you are upset...
For the majority of the time, if you have being following Sally Shield's DIL rules, you are now the sweet and charming DIL, who asks her PIL how they are feeling, how they slept, what their plans are for the day, and agreeing with their perspective (Rule 10)....
You'll be eagerly doing all those non-consequential tasks, such as dropping them off to the mall, making their appointments, taking them to the hospital for check-ups, cooking their meals, clearing your non-offensive mess...
You will be using Dr Huang's Love Potion (Rule 39), sprinkling love over their food, and lacing your words with 'Mum' and 'Dad'
However, what if they really upset you, by doing something really underhanded and really disrespect you?
This is a permanent living situation, and for your own sanity and self respect, I would not advise you to just smile and coo at them - sometimes, it's better not to overlook their actions, and let it be known that you are upset.
Following from Rule 29 - Don't put up with injustice,
You'll be eagerly doing all those non-consequential tasks, such as dropping them off to the mall, making their appointments, taking them to the hospital for check-ups, cooking their meals, clearing your non-offensive mess...
You will be using Dr Huang's Love Potion (Rule 39), sprinkling love over their food, and lacing your words with 'Mum' and 'Dad'
However, what if they really upset you, by doing something really underhanded and really disrespect you?
This is a permanent living situation, and for your own sanity and self respect, I would not advise you to just smile and coo at them - sometimes, it's better not to overlook their actions, and let it be known that you are upset.
Following from Rule 29 - Don't put up with injustice,
- Withdraw from their company; sit in different rooms, spend time in your room, don't give them any opportunities to make chit chat.
- Act cool, and distant - give short answers.
- Avoid looking at them, glance at them briefly when talking to them.
- Only speak them if you really must. They will sense that you are upset with them, and may start to ask you lots of questions, just to break the ice - ignore trivial questions, and just answer the selected few.
- Don't' worry about being labeled stroppy.
Remember:
- Showing your anger/rage doesn't work,
- Explaining your view/feelings on the matter doesn't work,
- Let your husband sort it our for you in his own way,
- Don't eavesdrop on their conversations.
How long do I have to spend with them?
How much time do you want to spend with your in-laws? Well, the Drs Rick, in Dealing With People You Can't Stand, advise you work out your magic numbers!
The three numbers you work out are: geography, frequency, and time.
The further you live from them, means the visit will be less often, and last longer. The closer you live means you will see each other more often, but for less time.
So if you live with your in laws, rest assured that you will be seeing a lot of each other, more often than if you lived separate, so don't beat yourself up if you don't spend that much time with them. Go live you life! If you don't, you will end up in the danger zone - where you will start hating and resenting them in your life.
For relatives who live close by, one way of reducing the frequency is to hook up less often, or if that is not possible, reduce the time spent i each other's company when getting together. You could get together less, but make a quick phone call regularly.
If you want to decrease the time you spend together with each other, try to ensure you increase the frequency of your visits. So if you live with your in laws and don't like spending too much time with them, create more opportunities where you can be in the same room with them, perhaps stop in for a quick hat while they have their breakfast - or spend a few minutes during the day catching up. In essence, try to balance the frequency of your get togethers with the amount of time you spend during them, creating a copacetic environment for all concerned.
The three numbers you work out are: geography, frequency, and time.
The further you live from them, means the visit will be less often, and last longer. The closer you live means you will see each other more often, but for less time.
So if you live with your in laws, rest assured that you will be seeing a lot of each other, more often than if you lived separate, so don't beat yourself up if you don't spend that much time with them. Go live you life! If you don't, you will end up in the danger zone - where you will start hating and resenting them in your life.
For relatives who live close by, one way of reducing the frequency is to hook up less often, or if that is not possible, reduce the time spent i each other's company when getting together. You could get together less, but make a quick phone call regularly.
If you want to decrease the time you spend together with each other, try to ensure you increase the frequency of your visits. So if you live with your in laws and don't like spending too much time with them, create more opportunities where you can be in the same room with them, perhaps stop in for a quick hat while they have their breakfast - or spend a few minutes during the day catching up. In essence, try to balance the frequency of your get togethers with the amount of time you spend during them, creating a copacetic environment for all concerned.
Rule #57 - Don't eavesdrop on them
Even though you would love (in a psychotic kind of way) to know what they think of you... don't bother. When your in-laws get together and talk about you, especially during times of conflict, it's not going to be nice, and you are not going to find inner peace by listening to them gripe, and hurl their inner resentments at you.
Leave them to it, and hope and pray that they find some sort of peace by getting all their anger and hurt out, so that you can move on to a happier existence with each other.
Leave them to their moaning and complaining, and fill your heart with happy thoughts and feelings.
Leave them to it, and hope and pray that they find some sort of peace by getting all their anger and hurt out, so that you can move on to a happier existence with each other.
Leave them to their moaning and complaining, and fill your heart with happy thoughts and feelings.
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