Rule #60 You have a big part to play in all conflicts

Your memory of what was said and done in a conflict is often biased, and you, too, may be responsible for a lot of what happened. You may not be the one who was to blame initially, but you may well be responsible for the way the conflict was handled.

Are you adding fuel to the fire? Are you encouraging their behaviour by being passive? Are you working for a win-win? Are you searching for positive intentions behind their behaviour, or have you already sentenced them?

"When people describe in-law conflicts, [...] their memories are vivid - but only for the slings and arrows sent by others. It is hard [...] to reproduce what we ourselves have said and done to contribute to the conflict.

[..]

Memory often comes to our aid by fashioning past experiences to fit a flattering self image.

Terri Apter, What Do You Want From Me?

The Sandwich Generation

"Mid-life adults are sometimes called the sandwich generation, the generation in the middle pressed by obligations to a younger and an older generation.....

This involves time and money and enegry from all the family, but the actual care is susually provided by the women in the family - the daughter and the daughter in law"

Terri Apter, What Do You Want From me?

A Wife's Guide to In-Laws

You wait 13 years for a bus (I mean, In-Laws solution), and then 5 come at once - I'm telling you, 2009 is going to be a good year for the DILs!

Step in, Jenna D. Barry - a DIL who is making a difference! She has a website: http://wifeguide.org/ with a Yahoo Support Forum: GreatWives Unbelieveable!

Click here to read excerpts from the book - it's super!

Dealing With People You Can't Stand

You don't have to be the victim of other people!

This easy to read guide will give you strategies to deal with Tank attacks, Grenade tantrums, Snipers, Know-it-Alls, Think-they-know-it-alls, Whiners, Yes, Maybe, No, and Nothing people!

Watch Dr Rick Kirschner on dealing with conflicts

Listen to Dr Ricks Podcasts: http://drkblog.com/podcasts

Everyone has to deal with Relatives, love them or not!

The Drs. Rick offer specific strategies on how to save your sanity and bring out the best in family, even at their worst. Specific 'how tos' for: Meddlers, Martyrs, Generals, Judges, Rebels, VIPs and more.

Dealing With Relatives: Read excellent extracts online

What Do You Want From Me?

"In Apter's study, two-thirds of women said they felt their mothers-in-law were jealous of their relationships with the sons, while two-thirds of mothers-in-law said they felt excluded by their sons' wives."

Read the full article here:
http://www.time.com/time/printout/0,8816,1863282,00.html

Six in the Bed, Nancy Wasserman Cocola

Six in the Bed

In this accessible and authoritative guide, psychotherapist Nancy Wasserman Cocola teaches couples how to identify, modify and choose the way in which parents and in-laws will influence their marriage.

• A superb book on understanding parents and in-laws.
• Establish healthy boundaries between parents and grown-up married children
• Learn how to maintain a mutual respect for each party regardless of differences
• emphasises love respect and honouring the parents

Toxic in Laws, Susan Forward

Despite this book having a very negative name, it is in actual fact a very positive resource.

Susan Forward guides you with constructive strategies on how to build a better relationship with your in-laws:

• understanding the dynamics of the whole "in-law" relationship,
• realise what you should "expect" from your in laws - also what you should "accept",
• what you should not allow,
• what rights you should be entitled to (to be safe from abuse or harm)

The Daughter in Law Rules, Sally Shields

http://www.thedilrules.com/

"In her fun new book The Daughter -in-Law Rules author Sally Shields lays out 101 simple and witty strategies to aid wives of all ages in mastering every element of MIL relations-from the decorum of housekeeping to the delicate world of child rearing."

Sally Shields YouTube Channel