Dilemma: Big Row

DIL Dilemmas, Answered by the Experts

Q: Hi – I live in a really high contact in law setting, and I told my husband that I would rather not go out with alllll the in-laws (including extended in laws aswell!) as I wanted to stay at home and relax – and he decided he didn’t want to go either!

However, when he told his family that we weren’t going to go, my in laws went totally berserk! My MIL ended up crying and making my dh feel awful! I decided to stay calm, as this had nothing to do with me… I stayed in the garden whilst the kids played, even though my heart was pounding in my head! Later, when everything had gone queit, I went and asked dh if he was okay, and he didn’t want to talk about it.

For the first time in my life, I am trying to remain in good spirits after a family fight, and I find him really not wanting to talk about it. Its so hard! Normally, I would go up to him, and in a feminine gentle manner, try to get all the details out of him regarding what happened! I want to know what happened, was my name tarnished in anyway?!!?!! I want the chance to defend myself if anything bad was said about me. But I keep on thinking I mustn’t do that, I should let him deal with his problem they way he needs to.

Was it wrong of me to want to stay at home?

DIL Dilemma answered by:

S Louisiana

Marriage Advisor – Currently on extended sabbatical leave

A: You are really going for it lady ! You are doing it all so well......gentle, uncompromising yet considering all angles and still, in the midst of that, maintaining a heart connection with your dh when it would be easy to separate in fear of all the hell breaking out around you !

Absolutely do not ask your dh what happened, show your complete trust in him that he will work something out here.....he is starting to wake up to something and you need to give him a lot of time and space to figure out the next step because if you continue to be gently honest as you are, the family will continue to freak out with their demands and he is starting to see the flaw in this picture.....so I would say absolutely do not do anything other than continue to be gentle and stand your ground about what you need....my goodness this just shows what happens when 1 person decides to stand up and say No to the status quo because of what they are knowing inside to be their truth !

Everyone else (except your dh who listened carefully to your heart message to him) freaked out !! the whole boat rocks !! But as long as you stay calm your kids will stay calm and happy and your dh will be doing a lot of silent cogitation about your present life circumstances. He did a very brave thing today because of you. Facing down the entirety of one's family with all those screaming women is not an easy thing for a man to do.

Your way of being is forcing a growing up to occur for him and for you....My goodness you're doing so well! But it won't feel nice. I guess the womenfolk will go either way, if they are honest and kind they will see they may have been unreasonable, if they are mean they will make life uncomfortable for you.....such is life when you stand up for what you know.....