Rule #60 You have a big part to play in all conflicts

Your memory of what was said and done in a conflict is often biased, and you, too, may be responsible for a lot of what happened. You may not be the one who was to blame initially, but you may well be responsible for the way the conflict was handled.

Are you adding fuel to the fire? Are you encouraging their behaviour by being passive? Are you working for a win-win? Are you searching for positive intentions behind their behaviour, or have you already sentenced them?

"When people describe in-law conflicts, [...] their memories are vivid - but only for the slings and arrows sent by others. It is hard [...] to reproduce what we ourselves have said and done to contribute to the conflict.


Memory often comes to our aid by fashioning past experiences to fit a flattering self image.

Terri Apter, What Do You Want From Me?

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