"Mid-life adults are sometimes called the sandwich generation, the generation in the middle pressed by obligations to a younger and an older generation.....
This involves time and money and enegry from all the family, but the actual care is susually provided by the women in the family - the daughter and the daughter in law"
Terri Apter, What Do You Want From me?
Showing posts with label In-Law Articles. Show all posts
Showing posts with label In-Law Articles. Show all posts
The Invisible Woman
It's okay that they don't see,
it's okay that they don't notice.
God sees us.
God notices us.
Allah!
How long do I have to spend with them?
How much time do you want to spend with your in-laws? Well, the Drs Rick, in Dealing With People You Can't Stand, advise you work out your magic numbers!
The three numbers you work out are: geography, frequency, and time.
The further you live from them, means the visit will be less often, and last longer. The closer you live means you will see each other more often, but for less time.
So if you live with your in laws, rest assured that you will be seeing a lot of each other, more often than if you lived separate, so don't beat yourself up if you don't spend that much time with them. Go live you life! If you don't, you will end up in the danger zone - where you will start hating and resenting them in your life.
For relatives who live close by, one way of reducing the frequency is to hook up less often, or if that is not possible, reduce the time spent i each other's company when getting together. You could get together less, but make a quick phone call regularly.
If you want to decrease the time you spend together with each other, try to ensure you increase the frequency of your visits. So if you live with your in laws and don't like spending too much time with them, create more opportunities where you can be in the same room with them, perhaps stop in for a quick hat while they have their breakfast - or spend a few minutes during the day catching up. In essence, try to balance the frequency of your get togethers with the amount of time you spend during them, creating a copacetic environment for all concerned.
The three numbers you work out are: geography, frequency, and time.
The further you live from them, means the visit will be less often, and last longer. The closer you live means you will see each other more often, but for less time.
So if you live with your in laws, rest assured that you will be seeing a lot of each other, more often than if you lived separate, so don't beat yourself up if you don't spend that much time with them. Go live you life! If you don't, you will end up in the danger zone - where you will start hating and resenting them in your life.
For relatives who live close by, one way of reducing the frequency is to hook up less often, or if that is not possible, reduce the time spent i each other's company when getting together. You could get together less, but make a quick phone call regularly.
If you want to decrease the time you spend together with each other, try to ensure you increase the frequency of your visits. So if you live with your in laws and don't like spending too much time with them, create more opportunities where you can be in the same room with them, perhaps stop in for a quick hat while they have their breakfast - or spend a few minutes during the day catching up. In essence, try to balance the frequency of your get togethers with the amount of time you spend during them, creating a copacetic environment for all concerned.
How To Change The Way You Deal With Difficult People
Check out this fantastic post... the DIL rules in action, by non other the Dr Rick, from Dealing With Relatives.... I highly recommend this book!
by Dr. Rick Kirschner on June 19, 2009
Read the FULL article here.
"You just need an approach, a method, a process that you can use dependably. Here’s mine. I recommend this process to anyone struggling with difficult people, and have helped clients work their way through it on numerous occasions. It goes something like this:
1. What yanks your chains?
Identify what the behavioral triggers are that push your buttons and rattle your chains by reviewing past experiences in which your difficult person got to you. What did they do? That’s different than thinking about why it bothered you. Instead, just identify their actual behavior. Was it the way they talked to you? How did they talk to you? Was it the way they looked at you? How specifically did they look at you?
2. How do you react?
Do you blame them? Get mental? Distract yourself? Hide what’s going on? Try to fix it? When they do that thing they do, what is it that you do in response?
3. What do you want from you?
What’s the best you can bring to the situation, or the behavior or attitude you’d like to have that, regardless of what they did, you’d be delighted with yourself after the incident?
4. What do you want from them?
Don’t answer this one until you answered the previous one, or you’re likely to get a useless answer, like “I want them to stop doing that!” The point here is to take aim at something. What is the best you can hope for from the other person?
5. Find a role model or construct an idea of how to respond from scratch
Who do you know that knows how to deal with the person? How do they do it? And if you don’t know anyone, who do you know of that might know how to do it? (Fictional or real!) How might they do it?
6. Rehearse it by giving yourself a do-over of a past experience. Get a clear idea of how your role model walks and talks, what they say and how they say it, what they think and feel, and then try it on for size, find out (in the privacy of your mind) if it makes a difference in how you are and how your difficult person responds.
That’s it. Practice makes perfect. This is how we train our nervous systems to do something new in a familiar situation. I think that the key to positive change in ourselves when dealing with habitual (and often emotional) reactions to life not behaving as we wish it would, is pattern disruption.
Learn to do even ONE thing differently, and you change the entire pattern.
by Dr. Rick Kirschner on June 19, 2009
Read the FULL article here.
"You just need an approach, a method, a process that you can use dependably. Here’s mine. I recommend this process to anyone struggling with difficult people, and have helped clients work their way through it on numerous occasions. It goes something like this:
1. What yanks your chains?
Identify what the behavioral triggers are that push your buttons and rattle your chains by reviewing past experiences in which your difficult person got to you. What did they do? That’s different than thinking about why it bothered you. Instead, just identify their actual behavior. Was it the way they talked to you? How did they talk to you? Was it the way they looked at you? How specifically did they look at you?
2. How do you react?
Do you blame them? Get mental? Distract yourself? Hide what’s going on? Try to fix it? When they do that thing they do, what is it that you do in response?
3. What do you want from you?
What’s the best you can bring to the situation, or the behavior or attitude you’d like to have that, regardless of what they did, you’d be delighted with yourself after the incident?
4. What do you want from them?
Don’t answer this one until you answered the previous one, or you’re likely to get a useless answer, like “I want them to stop doing that!” The point here is to take aim at something. What is the best you can hope for from the other person?
5. Find a role model or construct an idea of how to respond from scratch
Who do you know that knows how to deal with the person? How do they do it? And if you don’t know anyone, who do you know of that might know how to do it? (Fictional or real!) How might they do it?
6. Rehearse it by giving yourself a do-over of a past experience. Get a clear idea of how your role model walks and talks, what they say and how they say it, what they think and feel, and then try it on for size, find out (in the privacy of your mind) if it makes a difference in how you are and how your difficult person responds.
That’s it. Practice makes perfect. This is how we train our nervous systems to do something new in a familiar situation. I think that the key to positive change in ourselves when dealing with habitual (and often emotional) reactions to life not behaving as we wish it would, is pattern disruption.
Learn to do even ONE thing differently, and you change the entire pattern.
Ask the Pastor: Should I Live with In-Laws?
Q: Do you think it is wise for a newly married couple to live with the bride’s mother (she’s single), either in the same house or in a duplex or two-family house?
"It would be easier to have separate doors and locks, as in a duplex or multi-family housing. Yet if you fear that her mom will attempt to intrude on your marriage, you should make sure that if her mother is your landlady, she respects your doors, your locks, and your privacy. Otherwise, she may be tempted to use her control of the property in order to partially control your life. If you fear that this is a possibility — even if you two think that you could overcome it — do you want to allow this temptation into your mother-in-law’s heart and hands?"
"There are cultures around the world where newlyweds move in with or next door to one of the in-laws. Yet these people usually have defined roles and are prepared ahead of time to defuse conflict. If this isn’t the case with you, then I’d suggest finding other ways to put a roof over your heads or delay the marriage until you can afford your own shelter."
Walter Snyder is the pastor of Holy Cross Lutheran Church, Emma, Missouri and coauthor of the book What Do Lutherans Believe.
"It would be easier to have separate doors and locks, as in a duplex or multi-family housing. Yet if you fear that her mom will attempt to intrude on your marriage, you should make sure that if her mother is your landlady, she respects your doors, your locks, and your privacy. Otherwise, she may be tempted to use her control of the property in order to partially control your life. If you fear that this is a possibility — even if you two think that you could overcome it — do you want to allow this temptation into your mother-in-law’s heart and hands?"
"There are cultures around the world where newlyweds move in with or next door to one of the in-laws. Yet these people usually have defined roles and are prepared ahead of time to defuse conflict. If this isn’t the case with you, then I’d suggest finding other ways to put a roof over your heads or delay the marriage until you can afford your own shelter."
Walter Snyder is the pastor of Holy Cross Lutheran Church, Emma, Missouri and coauthor of the book What Do Lutherans Believe.
The 5 Types of Daughter in Law
According to mother in-laws, there are at least 5 different types of DILs.
- The Angelic Community DIL She is a DIL of a well known family who is perfect in every way; she cooks and cleans and irons for her in-laws - she even bakes cakes. When you go over she serves you and makes her MIL proud. Be warned that your MIL will refer to her regularly and use her as a shining example, overlooking that you probably do much more than her, anyway.
- The Rebellious Community DIL She doesn't cook or clean and has her husband wrapped around her finger. Her husband will abandon his own family to meet her whims and desires. Your MIL feels terrible sympathy for this DIL's in-laws yet she will never mention her to you, for the fear of you taking her as an example or that you will start following her cunning ways.
- The Victim Community DIL She is a downtrodden DIL who works as a slave in her in-laws home. They make her cook and clean and she has become ill as a result, poor thing. Your MIL will sigh and have pity on her, while you will grit your teeth as your MIL treats you exactly the same way! The reason your MIL refers to this DIL is because she wishes for you to acknowledge what a good MIL she is to you. Try your best to stay quiet, and if possible, try to say something along the lines of, "Thank God my mother in-law is not so controlling!" - if you can, kudos to you!
- The Daughter in Law who Moved Out and Took Her Son Away. Uncannily enough, this DIL gets a lot of respect, which probably comes from fear! Your MIL will always praise her (when the DIL is not there, of course) and she can never do wrong. She is manging her kids well, and doing a good job running her household. Your MIL wont talk about her to you a lot as she does fear that you will copy her and move out.
- The Daughter in Law Who Lives with Her In Laws - YOU. Last and least, there is you. You are an incompetent housekeeper who doesn't keep the house clean enough and spends far too long on the telephone or out visiting your friends. Your priorities are anything but your husband and you are accused of neglecting him and your children in the pursuit of your own interests. You will never compare to her own skills as a house maker or cook. She will mention your shortcomings a lot. However, at the bottom of her heart she knows that she has gotten a good deal out of you and secretly is extremely grateful that you are not like examples 2 or 4.
So what can you do about this unfair mentality? Nothing! It's best to carry on with your life happily and be yourself. Pursue your desires, reach for the stars and live your life in the best way you can. You're living with your in-laws for some noble reason or the other so remind yourself regularly of why you are doing all this.
If living the dream sounds too far-fetched for you, try to make some changes in your life. Perhaps you are doing a bit too much in the house, and its time to stop. Women are prone for wanting to strive on - even when their energy is depleted. However this will not be attractive to your dh so not only will you overexert yourself for your in-laws, you will be missing out on a great relationship aswell.
Feeling In-Law Pressure?
Watch Byron Katie turn around this woman's negative affirmation that her father puts too much pressure on her.
Once we stop letting other's control how we feel, we can move from a place of victimisation to a place of control and decision. If your in-laws constantly pressure you and complain about what you are doing, take a step back from thier emotions and try to remain calm.
Once we stop letting other's control how we feel, we can move from a place of victimisation to a place of control and decision. If your in-laws constantly pressure you and complain about what you are doing, take a step back from thier emotions and try to remain calm.
5 Tips for Bringing Out the Best in Your Mother-in-Law
By Jenna D. Barry
Got Mother-In-Law Problems?
5 Tips for Bringing Out the Best in Your Mother-in-Law
If you get along great with your mother-in-law, then I’m really happy for you. Actually, if I’m being honest, I’m only 60% happy for you and 40% jealous. There are a lot of women who love their husband’s mother because she is kind, considerate, and unassuming. Unfortunately there are many of us with controlling mothers-in-law who believe the world --and everyone in it-- should revolve around them.
My husband’s mom isn’t my best friend, but my relationship with her is better now than it was when I married her son 14 years ago. That’s because I learned how to change my behavior in order to bring out the best in her, and it worked. You’ll never see us skipping around holding hands, but we treat each other with respect.
Here are 5 tips for bringing out the best in your mother-in-law.
1. Realize that each of you have different expectations about your relationship. She may want you to be the daughter she never had, yet you feel smothered by her constant phone calls and visits. Or the opposite may be true; you may want to have a closer relationship with her than she wants with you. She may want to visit the grandkids more often than you’d like, or you may be hurt because she doesn’t want to see them more frequently. Just because you have different expectations doesn’t mean either of you are wrong. Try to meet in the middle.
2. Behave as a confident adult on an equal level to her. If you behave as a confident adult, then your mother-in-law will likely treat you as one. Address her by first name. Many women refer to their mother-in-law as “Mom” or “Mrs. ______” and have a wonderful relationship with her. However, if you have a dominant, controlling mother-in-law, then calling her “Mom” or “Mrs. ______” may put you in an inferior position. Another way to behave as a confident adult is to respond to her comments in a mature manner instead of getting defensive or giving excuses for your actions. If she criticizes the way you raise your kids, just say something like, “You’re entitled to your opinion, but I’ve decided to do it this way instead.”
3. Communicate honestly with her (but not so honestly that you call her a witch). Rather than gossiping to your husband or your own mom, speak directly with your mother-in-law to work out disagreements. Before you talk to her, it might be a good idea to vent your feelings to a counselor or on-line daughter-in-law support group. That way you have a better chance of remaining in control of your emotions rather than throwing eggs at her.
4. Be assertive and enforce boundaries as needed. If you don’t like it when your mother-in-law shows up uninvited, calls 24/7, and criticizes the way you raise your kids, then it’s better to draw boundaries than to grow resentful toward her. For example, let’s say you ask your mother-in-law to call first rather than drop by unexpectedly. (Some daughters-in-law don’t mind if their in-laws show up unexpectedly, so don’t assume your mother-in-law knows your preferences.) You can’t change your mother-in-law’s behavior, but you can change your own by not answering the door. (It’s not any more rude for you to ignore the doorbell than it is for her to drop by unexpectedly after you’ve made it clear you want her to call first.) Eventually she will realize it’s best to call before stopping by, and then you won’t resent her for ignoring your needs. Ideally you and your husband should be united as a couple in drawing boundaries; however, it may be necessary for you to do it alone until you have gained his loyalty. Keep in mind that you can’t control his behavior; don’t be surprised when he answers the door for his uninvited mother even after you’ve drawn a boundary with her. You can only control your own behavior.
5) Treat your mother-in-law the way you’d want your husband to treat your parents. If your husband wanted to draw a boundary with your own mother, how would you want him to treat her? Would you want him to be arrogant and insulting? Or would you want him to be respectful and mature? If you treat your husband’s mom the way you’d want him to treat your mom, then there’s an added bonus of gaining the respect of your husband.
The main reason many women don’t get along well with their mother-in-law is because they feel the constant need to compete with each other for the affection and attention of the same guy. Both you and your mother-in-law are probably contributing to the problem, but your husband is actually the one whose behavior plays a key role in whether or not you and his get along with each other. He has the power to eliminate the need for a competition by making it clear to everyone that you are the most important woman in his life.
On your wedding day, your groom was supposed to transfer his loyalty from his parents to you. In other words, your needs should have become a priority over his mom’s needs. A mother with healthy behavior will gracefully step aside and encourage her son to make his bride his first priority. Your husband’s mother, however, may have made the transition difficult by manipulating him with guilt whenever he tried to make you his first priority. It is possible to gain your husband’s loyalty, and I encourage you to focus on that. In the meantime, make changes in your own behavior and hopefully your husband and his mother will follow your example.
Jenna D. Barry is the author of “A Wife’s Guide to In-laws: How to Gain Your Husband’s Loyalty Without Killing His Parents.”
For more information, please visit www.WifeGuide.org.
Got Mother-In-Law Problems?
5 Tips for Bringing Out the Best in Your Mother-in-Law
If you get along great with your mother-in-law, then I’m really happy for you. Actually, if I’m being honest, I’m only 60% happy for you and 40% jealous. There are a lot of women who love their husband’s mother because she is kind, considerate, and unassuming. Unfortunately there are many of us with controlling mothers-in-law who believe the world --and everyone in it-- should revolve around them.
My husband’s mom isn’t my best friend, but my relationship with her is better now than it was when I married her son 14 years ago. That’s because I learned how to change my behavior in order to bring out the best in her, and it worked. You’ll never see us skipping around holding hands, but we treat each other with respect.
Here are 5 tips for bringing out the best in your mother-in-law.
1. Realize that each of you have different expectations about your relationship. She may want you to be the daughter she never had, yet you feel smothered by her constant phone calls and visits. Or the opposite may be true; you may want to have a closer relationship with her than she wants with you. She may want to visit the grandkids more often than you’d like, or you may be hurt because she doesn’t want to see them more frequently. Just because you have different expectations doesn’t mean either of you are wrong. Try to meet in the middle.
2. Behave as a confident adult on an equal level to her. If you behave as a confident adult, then your mother-in-law will likely treat you as one. Address her by first name. Many women refer to their mother-in-law as “Mom” or “Mrs. ______” and have a wonderful relationship with her. However, if you have a dominant, controlling mother-in-law, then calling her “Mom” or “Mrs. ______” may put you in an inferior position. Another way to behave as a confident adult is to respond to her comments in a mature manner instead of getting defensive or giving excuses for your actions. If she criticizes the way you raise your kids, just say something like, “You’re entitled to your opinion, but I’ve decided to do it this way instead.”
3. Communicate honestly with her (but not so honestly that you call her a witch). Rather than gossiping to your husband or your own mom, speak directly with your mother-in-law to work out disagreements. Before you talk to her, it might be a good idea to vent your feelings to a counselor or on-line daughter-in-law support group. That way you have a better chance of remaining in control of your emotions rather than throwing eggs at her.
4. Be assertive and enforce boundaries as needed. If you don’t like it when your mother-in-law shows up uninvited, calls 24/7, and criticizes the way you raise your kids, then it’s better to draw boundaries than to grow resentful toward her. For example, let’s say you ask your mother-in-law to call first rather than drop by unexpectedly. (Some daughters-in-law don’t mind if their in-laws show up unexpectedly, so don’t assume your mother-in-law knows your preferences.) You can’t change your mother-in-law’s behavior, but you can change your own by not answering the door. (It’s not any more rude for you to ignore the doorbell than it is for her to drop by unexpectedly after you’ve made it clear you want her to call first.) Eventually she will realize it’s best to call before stopping by, and then you won’t resent her for ignoring your needs. Ideally you and your husband should be united as a couple in drawing boundaries; however, it may be necessary for you to do it alone until you have gained his loyalty. Keep in mind that you can’t control his behavior; don’t be surprised when he answers the door for his uninvited mother even after you’ve drawn a boundary with her. You can only control your own behavior.
5) Treat your mother-in-law the way you’d want your husband to treat your parents. If your husband wanted to draw a boundary with your own mother, how would you want him to treat her? Would you want him to be arrogant and insulting? Or would you want him to be respectful and mature? If you treat your husband’s mom the way you’d want him to treat your mom, then there’s an added bonus of gaining the respect of your husband.
The main reason many women don’t get along well with their mother-in-law is because they feel the constant need to compete with each other for the affection and attention of the same guy. Both you and your mother-in-law are probably contributing to the problem, but your husband is actually the one whose behavior plays a key role in whether or not you and his get along with each other. He has the power to eliminate the need for a competition by making it clear to everyone that you are the most important woman in his life.
On your wedding day, your groom was supposed to transfer his loyalty from his parents to you. In other words, your needs should have become a priority over his mom’s needs. A mother with healthy behavior will gracefully step aside and encourage her son to make his bride his first priority. Your husband’s mother, however, may have made the transition difficult by manipulating him with guilt whenever he tried to make you his first priority. It is possible to gain your husband’s loyalty, and I encourage you to focus on that. In the meantime, make changes in your own behavior and hopefully your husband and his mother will follow your example.
Jenna D. Barry is the author of “A Wife’s Guide to In-laws: How to Gain Your Husband’s Loyalty Without Killing His Parents.”
For more information, please visit www.WifeGuide.org.
Dr Rick Kirschner: What to say to the Meddlers
Dealing With Difficult People Turning The Table On Meddlers
by Dr. Rick Kirschner on April 17, 2009
"While just about everything in Chet wanted to yell, ‘Dude, back off!’ some small part of him had the wisdom to do the counter-intuitive thing. He decided to treat this interference as a gift, and let himself receive it. He said, “Peter, thanks for caring so much about the quality of my work, and for wanting to help me out. You obviously know a lot about this, and I’m guessing you’re here because you’re not confident in my ability to do this. I’m sure if you were sure, you’d leave me to do it. So here, please, go ahead. Show me how to do it the way you think it should be done.” Chet pushed the tools he had in hand toward Peter. “You do it and let me watch and learn. And when you think I’m ready to do it on my own, I’ll know because you will stand back, stay away, and let me do my work.”
Peter look confused. The tools were waving in front of him, waiting for him to take them up and take this on. Now he had to decide if he really wanted to do Chet’s work. And really, he didn’t! So he stepped back. And just like that, the tables had turned. Peter said, “Thanks, but, uh, you go ahead. Let’s see what you can do on your own.” And he walked away. Chet had given Peter a way to be involved, by not interfering."
Read the full article here
by Dr. Rick Kirschner on April 17, 2009
"While just about everything in Chet wanted to yell, ‘Dude, back off!’ some small part of him had the wisdom to do the counter-intuitive thing. He decided to treat this interference as a gift, and let himself receive it. He said, “Peter, thanks for caring so much about the quality of my work, and for wanting to help me out. You obviously know a lot about this, and I’m guessing you’re here because you’re not confident in my ability to do this. I’m sure if you were sure, you’d leave me to do it. So here, please, go ahead. Show me how to do it the way you think it should be done.” Chet pushed the tools he had in hand toward Peter. “You do it and let me watch and learn. And when you think I’m ready to do it on my own, I’ll know because you will stand back, stay away, and let me do my work.”
Peter look confused. The tools were waving in front of him, waiting for him to take them up and take this on. Now he had to decide if he really wanted to do Chet’s work. And really, he didn’t! So he stepped back. And just like that, the tables had turned. Peter said, “Thanks, but, uh, you go ahead. Let’s see what you can do on your own.” And he walked away. Chet had given Peter a way to be involved, by not interfering."
Read the full article here
Everybody Loves Raymond But Hates His Parents
By Jenna D. Barry
http://www.exploringwomanhood.com/relationships/raymond.htm
Why does everyone love Raymond? I'd like to smack him upside the head.
To set the record straight, I love the show "Everybody Loves Raymond" (because I can relate to it) and I'll bet that in real life Ray Romano is a wonderful, loyal husband and confident adult. But his character on the show is a gutless wimp who constantly ignores his wife's needs in order to please his narcissistic parents.
Read full article
For more helpful information about coping with in-laws, please visit my website at http://wifeguidetoin-laws.blogspot.com/. By Jenna D. Barry
Renee here: This is a totally fab article, I love the show only because I can relate to it!
http://www.exploringwomanhood.com/relationships/raymond.htm
Why does everyone love Raymond? I'd like to smack him upside the head.
To set the record straight, I love the show "Everybody Loves Raymond" (because I can relate to it) and I'll bet that in real life Ray Romano is a wonderful, loyal husband and confident adult. But his character on the show is a gutless wimp who constantly ignores his wife's needs in order to please his narcissistic parents.
Read full article
For more helpful information about coping with in-laws, please visit my website at http://wifeguidetoin-laws.blogspot.com/. By Jenna D. Barry
Renee here: This is a totally fab article, I love the show only because I can relate to it!
What Do You Want From Me?
"In Apter's study, two-thirds of women said they felt their mothers-in-law were jealous of their relationships with the sons, while two-thirds of mothers-in-law said they felt excluded by their sons' wives."
Read the full article here:
http://www.time.com/time/printout/0,8816,1863282,00.html
Advice on How to Live with Your In-Laws
Advice on How to Live with Your In-Laws
By Francesca Di Meglio, About.com
People end up living with their in-laws for a variety of reasons. Either one of you is having financial difficulties and living together helps you save money or someone is sick and requires special care or your culture requires that you live together. Whatever the reason in-laws live together, it is never an easy life. You’ll probably get on each other’s nerves. There will be times when either or both of you wants more privacy or independence. And resentment will likely build.
Still, living with the in-laws will only work if you put in effort and prepare properly. Here are some ways you can make living with the in-laws easier for everyone:
Set boundaries: (...) The important thing is to create some guidelines that will help you get along and feel comfortable regardless of who is living with you.
Find privacy: (...) All the better if you and your in-laws can have your own apartments with little kitchens within the same complex or building. Then, you don’t have to see each other all the time, and it is like having your independence but still relying on one another or fulfilling obligations.
Stay out of family arguments: (...) If your husband or wife starts fighting with the primary family, stay out of it. Go into another room and try to breathe. Let them ride it out together. Sometimes, the arguments happen just until everyone gets used to living together and finds his or her own rhythm.
Pick your battles: (...) It’s consistent behavior or comments that you have to address.
Ask for help when you need it: (...) Your marriage should remain the number one priority.
Click on this link to read the full article
WikiHow: How to Deal With Abusive Mother in Law
http://www.wikihow.com/Deal-With-Abusive-Mother-in-Law
While many people quietly suffer critical mother in laws, abusive mother in laws are totally different. If you have been physically or mentally abused by your mother in law, here is how to cope.
Steps
- If you have been abused my your mother in law, it is not right, it is wrong. No one deserves verbal or physical abuse.
- Look to your spouse. Ask your husband or wife how they are going to deal with this situation as it is his or her mother. He should understand the hurt you have gone through and speak to his mother and tell her that what she has done was wrong.
- Ask your spouse to keep you away from her. Understand it will be hard for him as well because he would feel torn between you and his mom.
- If you feel your partner is not understanding, you need to think about your relationship as well. If you are not getting his full support you will feel helpless.
- Keep away from your mother in law till you feel you can let go and forgive her, and try to build a relationship with her again for the sake of your spouse.
Tips
- Try not to think it was your fault and it was right for your mother in law to abuse you.
- Tell your partner how you feel.
- Avoid your mother in law as much as you can till you are ready to build a relationship with her, that is if you think you can.
- Tell her if you feel comfortable what you feel about what she has done to you
Warnings
- Never feel its your fault
- Do not put up with abuse from anyone and think it is ok for that person to do that.
- Abuse is not just physical but it could also be in mental form.
- Remember if someone is abusing you, they have realy big issues in their own lifes
- get to safety, protect your self.
Things You'll Need:
- power
- self belief
- time
- support from your partner
- support from your parents
Related wikiHows: - Great Reads!
How to Deal With a Critical Mother in Law
How to Make Your In Laws Like You
How to Get Rid of Your In Laws
How to Deal With Intrusive, Needy Mother in Laws
Read the fantastic book "Feel the Fear and Do It Anyway!" By Susan Jeffers.
Living With In-Laws gets a mention in Sally Shield's Newsletter!
http://thedilrules.blogspot.com/2009/02/httpcontentedinlawsblogspotcom.html
* * * Quote of the Week * * *
“Creativity is a natural extension of our enthusiasm.”
– Earl Nightingale, 1921-1989,
American Motivational Author and Radio Broadcaster
* * * Sally Commentary * * *
"A Totally Rockin’ Amazing, Flattering New Blog:
Well, I’m proud to say that my new friend, Renee Osman, has actually put into practice what I Intended for my readers to do – create their own personal Daughter-in-Law Rules customized for their very own mothers-in-law! And she has done just that! Her brand new blog, Living With In-Laws is fabulous, and so needed, as 1.3million homes now have grandparents moving in.
Thank you Renee - you are going to help a lot of folks out there! And keep up the wonderful work!
Please visit Renee’s new blog at:
http://contentedinlaws.blogspot.com/
* * * Inspirational thought * * *
“Make it a point to do something every day that you don't want to do. This is the golden rule for acquiring the habit of doing your duty without pain.”
– Mark Twain, 1835-1910,
American Writer and Humorist
Have a beautiful week, and don't forget to call your mother-in-law, if only to ask how she is feeling!!!"
* * * Quote of the Week * * *
“Creativity is a natural extension of our enthusiasm.”
– Earl Nightingale, 1921-1989,
American Motivational Author and Radio Broadcaster
* * * Sally Commentary * * *
"A Totally Rockin’ Amazing, Flattering New Blog:
Well, I’m proud to say that my new friend, Renee Osman, has actually put into practice what I Intended for my readers to do – create their own personal Daughter-in-Law Rules customized for their very own mothers-in-law! And she has done just that! Her brand new blog, Living With In-Laws is fabulous, and so needed, as 1.3million homes now have grandparents moving in.
Thank you Renee - you are going to help a lot of folks out there! And keep up the wonderful work!
Please visit Renee’s new blog at:
http://contentedinlaws.blogspot.com/
* * * Inspirational thought * * *
“Make it a point to do something every day that you don't want to do. This is the golden rule for acquiring the habit of doing your duty without pain.”
– Mark Twain, 1835-1910,
American Writer and Humorist
Have a beautiful week, and don't forget to call your mother-in-law, if only to ask how she is feeling!!!"
The Top Ten Things Caregivers Don't Want to Hear….
This article was written by Carol Levine, director of the Families and Health Care Project at the United Hospital Fund in New York City. She is the editor of Always On Call: When Illness Turns Families into Caregivers,
http://www.uhfnyc.org/pubs-stories3220/pubs-stories_show.htm?doc_id=417469
http://www.uhfnyc.org/pubs-stories3220/pubs-stories_show.htm?doc_id=417469
Sally Shields Promotes Self-Preservation
Critical Review of DIL Rules
You can view it as "dishonest preservation", or you can view it as "it's better than fighting, sarcastic jibes, snide remarks and bitter relationships" - The choice is yours.
You can view it as "dishonest preservation", or you can view it as "it's better than fighting, sarcastic jibes, snide remarks and bitter relationships" - The choice is yours.
Living with in-laws 'increases women's risk of heart disease'
Living in a house with in-laws or parents as well as children can raise a woman's chance of developing heart disease by up to three times, according to the research.
Scientists believe that women who live among three generations often suffer because of pressure to fulfil multiple "roles", including that of parent and child or daughter-in-law simultaneously.
Read the full article here
Scientists believe that women who live among three generations often suffer because of pressure to fulfil multiple "roles", including that of parent and child or daughter-in-law simultaneously.
Read the full article here
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