Exercise 4 - Make a list of all that you do

Make a list of all the areas of your life, including:

1. Spiritual Devotions
2. Personal Time - Rest and Relaxation
3. Wife
4. Mother
5. Homemaker
6. Extended family
7. Giving to the community

Spend at least 5 minutes on each area, and think of all the things you do for each area of your life. For example:

1. Spiritual Devotions - prayer, meditation, going to spiritual gatherings
2. Personal Time - regular naps, visiting friends, going to the park
3. Wife - adornment, spending quality time, having a pleasant demeanor
4. Mother - teaching, instilling values, playing
5. Homemaker - cleaning, cooking, groceries, laundry, ironing
6. Extended family - in-laws, phoning and meeting your own parents, siblings
7. Giving to the community - helping other women, helping the school

Doing this exercise gives women an insight into how much energy and time they are dedicating to particular areas of your life. This is also helpful in indicating which areas of your life you are neglecting.

If you focus on just one or two areas of your life then not only will the other areas suffer, but also the areas which you are concentrating on. When we concentrate on specific areas then we start to burn out in this region.

Some examples of over-targeting specific areas of your life:

• If we focus too much on our housework, then we tend to become perfectionists and will not quit until total perfection is achieved - and in a house with a minimum of four adults and however many kids you have, this standard is almost impossible to maintain.


• If you focus on pleasing your in-laws, they will, sadly, take you for granted and demand more and more from you - which will again cause you to burn out - you will then blame your in-laws for the resentment you feel, and adopt the attitude of 'I have dedicated all my energy to them, why am I not getting anything back?'

However, if you choose to lead a balanced life and give each area of your life equal time, you will result in having a rich and rewarding life, where you will see the fruits of your labour in every aspect of your character.

Assignment 3: Choose Your Battles Carefully

You cant live with your in laws and win each battle yourself or you will end up living with bitter and resentful people, who find you rigid and uncompassionate.


John Gottman has an excellent exercise in his book "The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work":

Draw a circle on a paper, and then draw a bigger one around it. In the inner circle, make a list of all your big battles - things you cant compromise on. In the outer circle, make a list of all your small battles - inconsequential issues which don't affect you that much.

Wherever you can, let them win the small battles. In doing that, you are investing success into the big battles.

Assignment 2 - Are You Being Yourself Around Your In-Laws?

I know a lot of DILs who feel too awkward/scared to be themselves around their in-laws.

Sure its fine for other DILs to be on their "best behaviour" when they go over to visit their in-laws. But what about those of us who live with them? A lot of women I know are too nervous to put their feet up on the sofa or even lie down on the couch in front of their in-laws!

We all know this is ridiculous - so why do we do it?

• We feel like we will be perceived as lazy,
• Our in-laws will think we have too much time on our hands and ask us to do something else (so we better keep busy, lol),
• Our in-laws will question us about why we are sitting down when there is still x,y,z to do.

Well! Our next assignment is to be ourselves and do what we want to do for the next week - can you handle it?

I want you to find all the ways you are not true to yourself, and make a note of them. Start to notice and record all the ways you "change" when you are around your in-laws, for example:

• Do you find yourself engrossed on the net and the moment your in-laws walk in you quickly get up and get on with the housework?
• You're sat watching TV and your MIL walks through the front door so you get up and get back to the cooking.
• You're doing the cooking and decide to use your multitasking skills to check your mail, suddenly your MIL comes into the kitchen so you run back to check your cooking.

Work on each destructive habit until you can ultimately be yourself around them and not do anything differently.

This next week, you are going to do the following things when you want! (Of course you must be responsible about this privilege I am giving you - I don't want a bunch of ladies banging on my door!) What I mean by responsible is to do your housekeeping and cheffing duties and tend to your hubby and kids aswell, and after that, (lol - will there be any time left? Of course, in your MIL's eyes!)... after that, you are going to do the following (without hiding) at you own leisure:

1. Rest, Sit Down, Lie Down, Curl up and read a book,
2. Chat to your friends/family on the phone,
3. Visit friends ,
4. Watch TV and use the PC.

Have you read Feel The Fear and Do It Anyway? Lol, now's the time!

OK - So what do we do when dear MIL asks why your sat on your bum? You smile and say sweetly "Oh I just thought I'd take a rest!". If she starts reminding you of how x,y,z isn't done yet, agree with her! Here's a typical dialogue:

MIL: You know, you really should get the cooking started before you sit down"

DIL: Yes... your right mum, I should. I'm just taking a rest."

MIL "OK. Hmm.. Well you could always do that after the cooking you know!"

DIL: "Yes..... Its good to do the cooking first. I'm just taking a rest"

MIL: "I always used to work first then play"

DIL: "That's so good mum, you did the right thing!

MIL: "Well, you should do the same thing, it works you know! Girls these days just don't know how to run a house efficiently"

DIL: "Yes..... your right." (look up, smile, and then and stay sat on you bottom, girl, I know you can do it!)

Let me know how it goes!

R

Don't Sweat the Small Stuff

With all close relationships it is important to "choose your battles". Some things call for action to be taken, such as personal boundaries being overstepped.

Make a list of:

• the "big stuff" which you just cant compromise on - e.g. dinner parties at your place, scheduled time with the kids, being able to pursue your ambitions and interests.
• the "small stuff" which you should learn to accept - e.g. taking the in-laws out regularly, phoning her regularly when she goes away on holiday, having to cook and clean for them, etc.

Don't Sweat the Small Stuff